3 Months In

Yesterday was my 3 month bloggiversary.  I missed a celebratory post due to lack of sleep and anxiety.  I took some ZzzQuil Monday night but it did not help me fall asleep. Once I finally zonked out after 1am, it helped me stay asleep…until about noon on Tuesday!  Ever since then my sleep schedule has been messed up.  Add anxiety to that and despite being really tired, I just can’t fall asleep.

I still have not received a check in the mail.  Every day the anticipation and the anxiety increases at just the thought of checking my mail.  I nearly had a panic attack yesterday just thinking about sending asshat an email inquiring about the check he said would be in the mail last week…knowing that I could anticipate another rude response…

“You need to find someone else to bother.

You have a check in the mail. You seem to have a sharp memory for what otherpeople say. You and your husband fail to remember anything you say.

I’ll cancel payment on the check if you like. Then you can go down to 811 City hall Ave and file a court action and get nothing.

I don’t have time to waste.”

I have never once said anything negative or insulting to him.  My emails are short and to the point.  I’m honestly disappointed he didn’t give me the address to Navy legal…it’s looking like that is where this will take us.  Le sigh.  So continues the anxiety about what the check is actually for and when the hell it’s going to get here.  He lives 2 miles away so it should arrive the day he mails it out…

PROGRESS UPDATE

I originally started with $102,645 of debt.

• StudentLoan#1: $7,160 – Current balance: $6,669 (down $491)
• CreditCard#1: $4,650 – Current balance: $3,658 (down $992)
• CreditCard#2: $1,470 – Current balance: $1,186 (down $284)
• StudentLoan#2: $11,200 – Current balance: $11,061 (down $139)
• StudentLoan#3: $18,240 – Current balance: $17,999 (down $241)
• StudentLoan#4NoCosigner: $4,025 – Current balance: $3,965 (down $60)
• FedLoans: $55,900 – Current balance: $56,294 (up $394)

I have paid off $1,813 (1.77%) since I started three months ago (interest has eaten about $1,500) and I have $100,832 to go!

Torn

I’m torn between keeping two blogs or just sticking with this one.  I originally started Sisu Vitality in hopes of charting my progress in learning to cook and eat healthier and working towards being happy.  I since joined MyFitnessPal and that site is equipped with all the tools necessary to keep track of the nutritional value of the food I eat and also has a blog I could use there.  I will definitely keep going with Debt Perception but I love the name Sisu Vitality.   I don’t have enough followers to get much of a response I’m sure…but what would you do?

If anyone is interested in participating in online surveys for money, Vindale Research offers a lot of chances to earn money daily.  I just won their daily question contest (ok, I wasn’t the only winner), but I’ll take anything extra!  Please use my reference code if you join!

Anxiety

I was originally inspired to create this blog after having a meeting with a FFSC counselor regarding my stress levels.  I had another appointment yesterday and we touched on the topic of my anxiety towards art.  When I even think about doing something creative, I get anxiety, so the best thing I can think to do is avoid doing those things altogether.  Not the best solution when you really want to love to create art again.  She asked me to draw something and immediately I felt the anxiety build up.  My brain started spewing out negative thoughts.  What will I draw?  I can’t draw.  Whatever I draw will suck.  You’re no good.  I held the pencil over the paper for a few seconds and just froze.  She noticed that I became flushed, tense and that I had stopped breathing.  After a few short seconds she had me put the pencil down and by then I was also smiling and laughing, probably from being put on the spot.  I wasn’t laughing because it was funny, but it’s more like an uncontrollable breathing response, or a panic attack.

This was the first step in overcoming my anxiety.  I’m supposed to try to draw at home, and pay attention to my thoughts and whatever physical reactions that I might be experiencing.  I think I’ve come to fear the anxiety more than the negativity I thought I associated with it (student loan debt).  Accepting it and working through it is something I will hopefully overcome shortly.  I’d love to enjoy drawing again!

Loss

This year is not off to a good start.  I learned yesterday that an uncle passed away unexpectedly.  I got another call from my mother early this morning to let me know that my grandfather had also passed away.  He’s been in the hospital for quite some time and I expected my July visit to be the last time I saw him alive but hearing the news this morning was just heartbreaking.  My aunt lost both her husband and father in about a 12 hour period.  RIP Uncle Bruce and Grandpa Howie!

It’s my husband’s birthday today and I’m glad he’s never big on celebrating because it’s hard to move past those two deaths in the family.  I’m thinking about flying out there for the funerals but it’s a tough call.  My uncle is in southeastern Wisconsin and my Grandpa is in Upper Michigan.  I know I can’t afford a rental car, or the plane ticket and I don’t want to rack up another $1000+ in credit card debt.  Perhaps I will be able to catch a ride with other family members.  I’m not sure what to do.  Especially with the move we have ahead of us.  Once again, I’m torn.

New Year Resolutions

Happy New Year!  May 2013 bring you good things!  What are some of your resolutions?

I got into a lazy funk during 2012 and just thinking about my giant list of resolutions for 2013 is causing me a lot of anxiety about how to approach them.  I seriously have four pages in a spiral notebook filled with goals for the new year.  A lot of them overlap in categories and the task of organizing and explaining how I’m even going to start is filling me with anxiety.  Resolutions are all about forming new and better habits so I need to make like Nike and just do it!

Improving time management (lose procrastination) is one key resolution.  I need to develop some sort of routine, where I spend less time on the computer and more time working to pay off my debts, volunteering, creating art, exercising regularly, develop a cleaning schedule (once we move) and even have a sleeping schedule with a bedtime routine.  With a routine in place, I will be more productive, get regular exercise, meal plan, cook more and overall eat and be healthier.  Hopefully by volunteering, working, and taking zumba classes, I will meet some people in this area and make friends so I can get out and do some fun things in 2013.

Finding passion in art is another key resolution.  I need to somehow separate the anxiety/indebtedness that I have come to associate it with.  I need to learn to lose the anxiety altogether.  I mentioned anxiety about dealing with my resolutions.  Change is difficult and difficult things cause me anxiety.  It shall be overcome!

Some other things I want to do in 2013:

• Go to the shooting range with husband
• Visit my family
• Pay off credit card debt
• Run a mile easily
• Use my Waterpik habitually
• Develop a skin care regimen
• Read more
• Update portfolio/demo reel and design new website
• Kip training (click the link to see what a kip is)
• Sit up straight, improve posture

Those are the main things on my list.  I have a lot of little to-do list items that I’m not going to bother posting.

A friend of mine started a new blog,  The Progressive Planner, which is about achieving her goals for the new year.  She used the Wheel of Life to find areas that need improvement or balance.  If I made my own wheel of life if it would be somewhat balanced, however it would be a tiny wheel.  I’m not happy with a lot of those categories.  Spirituality would probably be the highest because I’m content with my current beliefs.  Lots of improvement needed in the other areas (home environment, career, finances, health, personal, relationships, and knowledge).

One thing I didn’t take into consideration about my debt payoff is that my student loans gain about $350 in interest each month.  Since I’ve been paying more than the minimum, my loans will only accrue $290 in interest this month.  I just paid $300 for the first half of the month, so a whopping $10 more went towards that overall payoff.  Feel like I’m getting nowhere, fast!