Torn

I’m torn between keeping two blogs or just sticking with this one.  I originally started Sisu Vitality in hopes of charting my progress in learning to cook and eat healthier and working towards being happy.  I since joined MyFitnessPal and that site is equipped with all the tools necessary to keep track of the nutritional value of the food I eat and also has a blog I could use there.  I will definitely keep going with Debt Perception but I love the name Sisu Vitality.   I don’t have enough followers to get much of a response I’m sure…but what would you do?

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Anxiety

I was originally inspired to create this blog after having a meeting with a FFSC counselor regarding my stress levels.  I had another appointment yesterday and we touched on the topic of my anxiety towards art.  When I even think about doing something creative, I get anxiety, so the best thing I can think to do is avoid doing those things altogether.  Not the best solution when you really want to love to create art again.  She asked me to draw something and immediately I felt the anxiety build up.  My brain started spewing out negative thoughts.  What will I draw?  I can’t draw.  Whatever I draw will suck.  You’re no good.  I held the pencil over the paper for a few seconds and just froze.  She noticed that I became flushed, tense and that I had stopped breathing.  After a few short seconds she had me put the pencil down and by then I was also smiling and laughing, probably from being put on the spot.  I wasn’t laughing because it was funny, but it’s more like an uncontrollable breathing response, or a panic attack.

This was the first step in overcoming my anxiety.  I’m supposed to try to draw at home, and pay attention to my thoughts and whatever physical reactions that I might be experiencing.  I think I’ve come to fear the anxiety more than the negativity I thought I associated with it (student loan debt).  Accepting it and working through it is something I will hopefully overcome shortly.  I’d love to enjoy drawing again!

Loss

This year is not off to a good start.  I learned yesterday that an uncle passed away unexpectedly.  I got another call from my mother early this morning to let me know that my grandfather had also passed away.  He’s been in the hospital for quite some time and I expected my July visit to be the last time I saw him alive but hearing the news this morning was just heartbreaking.  My aunt lost both her husband and father in about a 12 hour period.  RIP Uncle Bruce and Grandpa Howie!

It’s my husband’s birthday today and I’m glad he’s never big on celebrating because it’s hard to move past those two deaths in the family.  I’m thinking about flying out there for the funerals but it’s a tough call.  My uncle is in southeastern Wisconsin and my Grandpa is in Upper Michigan.  I know I can’t afford a rental car, or the plane ticket and I don’t want to rack up another $1000+ in credit card debt.  Perhaps I will be able to catch a ride with other family members.  I’m not sure what to do.  Especially with the move we have ahead of us.  Once again, I’m torn.

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