I’ve been slacking off this first week of June.  I came down with a nasty something and am just about completely over it, hopefully.  I’ve been lazy, spending lots of time sleeping or just sitting at my computer, in my pajamas all day.  I haven’t been keeping track of our expenses and I still haven’t been to the ATM to get cash for groceries and other cash-only budget items.  The apartment is a mess.  Heck, I’m a mess.

My cortisol levels are elevated and I have more tests next week to see if it’s still high.  I imagine it is.  I’ve been having an extremely difficult time dealing with stress lately.  While I typically have a short fuse, it’s been instant lately.  It’s ridiculous.  Fight or flight (usually fight) type symptoms over stupid little things.

I had some panic attacks after my oral surgeon consultation.  This appointment was in Richmond at a medical university, two hours north of here.  No one told me over the phone while I was scheduling the appointment or when they called to confirm my appointment that they didn’t take my insurance.  I found out when I got there.  And since I had driven two hours, I decided to at least go through with the consultation.  My scans were supposed to have been sent to this new oral surgeon but they didn’t have them. I felt absolutely sick having to get new ones knowing full well that my insurance probably wasn’t going to cover them.  The doctor was friendly but I’m not going back.  I thought I was seeing an oral surgeon but he was just a TMJ specialist.  He was supposed to give me the name of a specific type of TMJ physical therapy to look up in my area but forgot (and so did I). He offered to set up a consultation with the actual oral surgeon. No thanks!

I cried in the car on the way home.  I kept beating myself up for making stupid mistakes.  I should have called my insurance to make sure it was covered.  I should have left when they said they don’t usually get Tricare recipients up there.  I should have said no to the new scans.  It was ridiculous.  Increased heart rate, flushed, sweaty hands, shaky.  I could calm myself down for a few minutes but the thoughts would soon come rushing back.

I’m still kicking myself over it but I imagine it won’t be so bad.  University centers are usually cheaper, I’ve been recommended to ones before when I had crappy insurance.  There’s also payment plans and I’m sure I can do some negotiating.  There’s also a small chance my insurance will cover a portion of it (fingers crossed).

I normally have near panic attacks when I’m thrown into situations that I can’t immediately resolve but I have a feeling my elevated cortisol levels have something to do with recent attacks and increased anxiety.

I’m also starting to wonder if I’m hypoglycemic.  I’ve been having episodes of extreme tiredness, sometimes jittery, and where I’m completely “out of it.”  Usually having some chocolate helps but mix this with stressful situations and I felt like pudding after getting angry with my husband over a stupid shower head.

A couple weeks ago a bunch of bloggers were doing confession posts, so I guess this is mine.

I have a short fuse.

I’m horrible at dealing with stress and I don’t like not being able to immediately resolve a stressful situation.

I suck at communication, especially when put on the spot.

I’m a lazy procrastinator.

I have an irrational fear of things that pop.  I hate opening these!

I hate bugs, especially ants and I fear them crawling on me!

Okay, enough with the negative Nancy crap.  I need to get out of this funk.  I figure it’s about time I set some monthly goals and actually stick to them!


1.  Eat healthy – This means I’ll have to stop being lazy and actually cook!  Or wash out my juicer.  I said I’d do that a month ago!  No more wasting food!

2.  Exercise daily – at least 30 minutes, even if it’s just a walk around my neighborhood…to my apartment complex’s fitness center!

3.  Laugh – Watch something funny, play with my cats more, do anything funny and entertaining for 30 minutes.

4.  Meditate – Start with 20 minutes a day.  I’m hoping this will help with the stress a bit.

5.  Read – Read an actual book for 30 minutes a day.

6.  Unpack those few boxes that have been sitting around since we moved in April!

7.  Get rid of stuff in the large storage closet – Sell it, Freecycle it, or trash it.

8.  Make cat scratchers out of the cardboard boxes in the storage closet.

9.  Spend more time with my husband.

10.  Start those daily to-do routines that I’ve been putting off!


10 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. Don’t start worrying about hyperglaecemia, or hypoglaecemia, they are actually pretty rare. Self diagnosis only leads to further fretting and panickiness –don’t go that route. Try to keep active, as much ad is good for you.

    I’m really sorry that you had that beastly (expensive?) runaround; shouldn’t happen to a dog.

    If I were with you it would be time for a big hug, chat and a warm drink–do this for yourself and think of your email friends.

    • Thanks Erika. I’m not exactly worried about hypoglycemia…it was just a random thought that I will bring up when I see my endocrinologist next about my cortisol levels.

  2. You have some really good monthly goals on there.
    I never make monthly goals, usually because I know they will never stick so I don’t even try. I’m good for a few days and then it all falls apart. For example, I really need to start drinking more water, and I would like to read more (I’ve got so many books I haven’t read yet!), usually when I’m at home I’m watching tv or on the computer. I also need to exercise more, it would probably help with my sleeping (and with my social anxiety, which I recently started therapy for). Anyways, I’m going to try and work on these (maybe if I write them down so I know exactly what I am aiming for) and I hope your goals for June work out for you!

    • I usually never stick to my goals either, that’s why I threw them on my blog. Some of these things are more life-changing habits than simple to-dos and those are much harder to stick to. It helps to have some kind of support system. My best friends keeps asking about/pushing me to accomplish goals. There’s nothing to it but to do it! Good luck achieving your goals!

  3. mmmm i love those crescent rolls! I digress. I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much stress right now. Starting off with 20 minutes of meditation is usually quite long for most people unless it’s already a habit for you. People get antsy. I would recommend a lower time (like promise yourself to just sit for 3 minutes every day) until it becomes a habit. It took me years to figure it out but meditation is VERY helpful for stress.

    • Thanks, that’s great advice. I can’t seem to get 20 minutes to myself without my cats wondering wtf I’m doing sitting on the floor and they start biting/playing with me. If I close myself into a room they just scratch at the door or carpet. 3 minutes seems much more doable to start 🙂

  4. Leslie and I have had some non-routine things come up this week as well. Really throws a wrench in your schedule! Both Leslie and I get stressed to varying degrees when this happens and are excited to get back into a routine as well. What book are you planning on reading?

    • I’m not sure about the book yet. I have a list of over a hundred books I need to read. Might start with something on my 30 before 30 list. I still need to get a library card.

  5. Thanks for sharing your confessions with us! Sorry you are going through so much, I know it can be so hard and daunting. Try to focus day to day on what you want. Practice gratitude, meditate for a few minutes, slowly implement changes. You can do it! We are all rooting for you.

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