The Ultimate Guide to Paying Off Student Loans

Student loans are predatory.  There is nothing reasonable about them when they have no consumer protections like all other debts.  Yet, there’s people in this world, trolling Facebook and all the comments on articles about student loan debt, who seem to think that anyone with student loans is irresponsible, whiny, entitled and needs to “man-up” and pay what they borrowed.  So from the perspective of someone who just doesn’t get it, here’s a guide to paying off student loans.

TIME TRAVEL

It’s a common fallacy that students, often barely adults, knew that they were signing their lives away when they signed their promissory notes.  So you need to travel back in time and take all the knowledge you have now about student loans with you.  Or travel back into your sophomore year of high school and start studying up on legal jargon so you can understand that fine print you didn’t bother to read or didn’t understand in the future.

Maybe you can get Bill and Ted to help you with this one.  This is probably the expression they’d have if you told them they’d still be paying off their student loans in their 40s.  No, they’re not too stupid for college, they’re prime candidates of for-profit institutes.

GET A JOB AT SUBWAY

Take Neal McCluskey’s advice (an associate director at the Cato Institute in Washington) and, “You could take a job at Subway or wherever to pay the bills and that’s something you need to do if you have agreed in taking a loan to pay it back,” McCluskey said. “It seems like basic responsibility to me.”

Minimum wage in my area is $7.25 an hour.  Get a job working at Subway and you can expect 15-20 hours a week.  So pre-tax you’re making $580 a month if you get 20 hours at minimum wage.  Your student loan payment is $360 a month.  So what do you do?

BE A DEBT SLAVE

You work harder and get a second job.  If you work two part-time, minimum wage jobs you can increase your pre-tax monthly income to $1160.  Now you’re only paying 31% of your income to your student loans and you can use the remaining $800 to move out of your parents house or off the streets and pay rent, utilities and buy food, leaving you with $0.  Congratulations, you’re a debt slave!  Making the minimum payments on your loans will get you nowhere fast, you’re just treading water and will end up paying 200-500% of the original amount you borrowed you irresponsible bum!

PRAY YOU STAY HEALTHY

A major illness or injury could put you out of work.  You better pray in all your free time that nothing happens to you or you’ll be forced to take a deferment or forbearance.  If you have private loans, you’ll have to shell out up to $150 just to defer and if your lender is Sallie Mae, you’re only given 12 months of forbearance during the 10, 15, 20, 25+ years you’ll be paying on your loans…so get praying!  You’re screwed if you can’t make payments and default.  Oh, but since I’m writing this in the perspective of a naysayer…

WORK HARDER

You’re making excuses and not working hard enough!  There is more you can do to earn money.  Get another job you lazy, entitled slave!  You signed the papers,  you knew what you were getting in to!

And finally, my own, non-condescending bit of advice:

WIN THE LOTTERY OR GET YOURSELF A SUGAR DADDY

Seriously.  Good luck!

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3 thoughts on “The Ultimate Guide to Paying Off Student Loans

  1. College has become far too expensive theses days. And the simple fact is that people get all upset over a .10 cent increase in the price of gas, but no one seems to notice that the high cost of education is just getting ridiculous.

  2. This article was awesome!! Thank you. Being fairly new to the credit and student loan arena I am constantly trying to gather as much information as possible to try and keep myself headed in the right general direction. Spending some time on this post has actually given me a lot of great points to think about. In my recent research I have also been able to find some pretty useful information related to this topic when I Googled the credit locker university. This was helpful as well. Thanks again!

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