Negative Nancy

Finding a job is frustrating.  I’ve been searching for hours and have not applied for a single one.  The biggest thing holding me back is having reliable transportation.  Or the ones that require you to be able to lift 50lbs.  That’s more than half of what I weigh.  Could I lift it?  Probably if whatever it was is smaller than a bowling ball.  I’m always reluctant to apply for customer service type jobs where I’m the first face or voice someone hears at a company. I don’t think I’d be hired with my quiet, mousy voice with a slight speech impediment or with my what-happened-to-her  face.  I’m a brain tumor survivor and I get stared at all the time in public.

I want a job where I don’t have to be the first thing people see or hear…or a job that is more behind the scenes or at a computer.  My hearing keeps getting worse and I just don’t want to deal with not being able to hear a customer.  Loud environments are out.   I’ve done maintenance cleaning which isn’t exactly fun but not the worst job ever.  I’ve worked in libraries, at the front desk of one and shelving materials at the other.  I enjoyed those jobs.   I’ve worked as a bagger and a cashier in a fast food restaurant as well as a party store.  I hated working with money and I hated taking orders.  The only thing I liked about working at the party store was making balloon arrangements.  Being a bagger wasn’t that bad.  Corralling carts when you’re 90lbs isn’t easy and a lot of people offered tips when they saw me doing it with a bright red face during the summer.

So I like jobs that are quiet and artsy and/or involve cleaning and organizing (or bagging).  I would love to own my own cleaning business and could offer organizational services.  A job at a library would be great.  I could babysit or be a nanny, or even pet sit.  I do have a care.com account but I need reliable transportation for those jobs.  Le sigh.  And people want references or experience.  I’ve never cleaned homes and I’ve never actually helped anyone organize things, aside from in my own home.  I’ve talked about bagging at the commissary before.  They work for tips only and I’d probably make a bunch but I don’t know if I could survive the hot, humid summers out here.  And I’d have to work all day.  Or kill hours at the NEX mall or take a long walk to places on base.  I guess that is something to consider.  Maybe I could just do it once or twice a week.

I keep leaning towards trying to get on SSI.  Finding a job seems hopeless.  I did this constant searching for over a year and a half after I graduated with my worthless degree.  I don’t want to do this again.  I really wish I could travel back in time and Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come  myself into choosing a more practical and affordable degree.

We will be moving in the beginning of January.  Perhaps I should focus now on packing and preparing for the move rather than stressing out over this.  My husband is supposed to be gone for at least a month sometime in the beginning of 2013.  That would be a good time to test the waters for babysitting, cleaning and pet sitting while I have the car all to myself.  Hopefully someone would choose me.  When I hired a pet sitter for our California trip, I got over 50 responses so I’d really have to impress someone.  I haven’t babysat in so many years.  Not since my 13 year old niece was 5 and under.  Who is going to let me experiment with their kids?

I’m pretty good at making myself feel like I’m not good at anything or not good enough.

After the move, I really need to figure out a way to release the anxiety that I feel when I even think about starting an art project.  I need to learn to love art again.  It would be wonderful if I could become a successful freelance artist.  I haven’t updated my portfolio since I changed my name after marrying.  Then again, I haven’t really created much of anything since then.  It’s sad.  My skills are lacking.  I’ve forgotten a lot of what I learned at AI.  I will be paying for forgotten skills for a long time.  😦  I’ve even forgotten a lot of what I learned in my web design certificate program and that only ended a couple months ago.  I need to find the passion again.  You only get better with practice and I’m getting worse without it.

Every day I don’t make money feels like a waste.  No update on the jobs I applied for.  No hits on the DDRMax game/pads or the textbook I’m trying to sell.  I completed several surveys today but I won’t be able to cash out for a long time.  My rewards for UPromise won’t process for another 3+ months.  I considered posting on Fiverr but I have no idea what I could offer for $5 over the internet.  My payment for Sallie Mae was processed yesterday.  So far my loans have gained $71.27 in two days?  Whoa, Nelly!  Does not compute!

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